Mar 02

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.

Her comments were as follows,

“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically ‘okay’, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can…do; Those who can’t…teach.’

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, “Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.”

The husband looked at his wife and simply said, “I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it!”

written by HaveLaugh \\ tags:

Mar 02

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. “So what did you think ?” he asks.

“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think ”

The second guy replies, “You were right.”

written by HaveLaugh \\ tags: ,

Mar 02

A man’s house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in “3 more times” without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, “Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything ?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

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Mar 02

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink ?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut ? You sold a singing frog for $300 ? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

written by HaveLaugh \\ tags: , ,

Mar 02

A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.

Doctor: “What salary you expect ?”

Nurse: “$500.”

Doctor was overjoyed & said: “My Pleasure.”

Nurse: “With pleasure it’s $1000″

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Mar 02

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell ?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” “No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

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Mar 02

A teenage boy to his father: “Here’s my report card and a list I’ve compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished their High School.”

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Mar 02

Q. What time is it when most people go to the dentist ?

A. Tooth-Hurty!

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Mar 02

Behind every successful man there is a great woman and behind every great woman there is a smart guy staring at her@ss.

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Mar 02

I’m not bald. It’s a solar panel for a sex machine.

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Mar 02

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency romm of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I haven’t got the fingers.”

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers ? This is the age of medical advances. We’ve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers ?”

“Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn’t pick ‘em up!”

written by HaveLaugh \\ tags:

Mar 02

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe’en party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
“Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your @ss and go as a candy apple!”

written by HaveLaugh \\ tags: ,